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Plain Talk for Teens
Lesson #20
Dating, Sex and Abstinence
Opening Discussion:
What do you think is appropriate for Dating? How far do you think is acceptable? Where do you draw your guidelines from, your friends, parents, who?
What does God say?
God wants the best for us in every area of our lives. This includes relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends. We should date because it is a process of maturing adolescence, not to be popular or for security. Don't allow peer pressure to force you into dating situations that are not appropriate. The Bible gives us some very clear principles to guide us in making decisions about dating.
1. Guard your heart.
The Bible tells us to be very careful about giving our affections, because our heart influences everything else in our life.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)
2. You are known by the company you keep.
We also tend to become like the company we keep. This principle is closely related to the first one and is just as important in friendships as in dating.
"Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character." (1 Corinthians 15:33)
3. Christians should only date other Christians.
Although it is fine for Christians to have non-Christian friends, those who are especially close to our heart should be mature believers who are seeking to follow Christ with their lives.
"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14).
4. Is it really love?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines real love. Ask yourself these questions:
Are you patient with each other?
Are you kind to each other?
Are you never envious of each other?
Is your relationship characterized by humility?
Are you never rude to each other?
Are you not self-seeking?
Are you not easily angered with each other?
Do you keep no record of wrongs?
Are you truthful with each other?
Do you protect each other?
Do you trust each other?
If you answered "yes" to the above questions, then 1 Corinthians 13 says that you truly have a loving relationship. If you answered "no" to any of the above questions, then maybe you should discuss those issues with your boyfriend or girlfriend. The two main questions to build a healthy relationship on are; "Are you truthful with each other?" and "Do you trust each other?"
How Far is Too Far?
Many teens ask the question, "How far should I go on a date?" Here are some principles that will help you decide what is appropriate behavior on a date.
1. Does the situation I put myself in invite sexual immorality or help me avoid it?
1 Corinthians 6:18 says to "flee from sexual immorality." We cannot do this if we are tempting ourselves through carelessness.
2. What kind of reputation does my potential date have?
When you accept a date you are essentially saying, "My values are the same as your values." That in itself can put you in a position you may regret later. Remember 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, "Bad company corrupts good character."
3. Will there be any pressure to use alcohol or drugs?
Don't give up your values for a date.
4. Am I attracting the wrong type of person?
Make sure that the message you send with your actions doesn't attract people who will lead you to compromise your values.
5. Am I aware that sin is first committed in the heart?
Matthew 5:28 says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
6. Are you going to the right kind of place for a date?
Many good intentions have been forgotten because the temptation and opportunity were too great.
7. Am I doing anything to encourage sexual desire?
Don't engage in any impure contact that is sexually motivated, such as petting.
If You Have Already Gone Too Far, Why Stop?
1. God is forgiving.
1 John 1:9 tells us that God is faithful and just to forgive our sins if we confess them. You can start fresh with God anytime you want to.
2. God is holy.
His word tells us that sexual sin is wrong, and He knows what is best.
3. God is caring.
God knows that going too far before marriage tends to break up couples and leads to less happy marriages. He knows that most guys do not want to marry a girl who has been intimate with someone else.
What are you looking for?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 (NIV)
This verse describes the characteristics of true love. These qualities can certainly be found in the person of Jesus Christ, and they can be found in all truly loving relationships. The problem with trying to "find" love in our dating lives, is that too often we don't look for these characteristics. Rather we look at physical appearance, popularity, or wealth. These are not the qualities that God looks at and neither should we.
"But the LORD said to Samuel, '...The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'" Samuel 16:7 (NIV)
Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action - true love.
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in truth."
1 John 3:18 (NIV)
Christ was devoted to us enough to give his own life for us (Romans 5:8), even when he didn't feel like it (Matthew 26:39).
Sex is not love! Our culture has taught us that sex and love are one in the same. This is a lie. Sex is a beautiful God-given activity that is wonderful when practiced within the boundaries of a Biblical marriage. Sex is the completion of the binding of two people within Biblical marriage; it is a God-given gift.
PRE-MARITAL SEX
Because premarital sex is not love, it only leads to pain and disappointment for those who are seeking that love. The Bible says that when two people are married, they become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31). Sex is consummation of that union. When two people break off their relationship after having sex, it is like ripping apart flesh. This is why two teenagers will struggle so much and become so dependent on those they give their bodies to. In light of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (above), it is easy to see that premarital sex is not patient, it is not kind, it does not protect, it is self-seeking. It is not love!
IDENTIFYING TRUE LOVE
We can only identify true love and know when we have found it, based on the Word of God. When we match our relationships up to what the Bible says that love is -- and we are honestly prepared to make a life-long commitment to that person -- then we can say that we are truly "in love." The three keys to that statement are:
We have to...
1) look at the Word of God
2) be completely honest with ourselves
3) understand the level of commitment that comes with true love
My boyfriend wants to have sex. I don't want to lose him. What should I do?
You're well aware that sex before marriage is against God's law. You know that it's wrong. I know it's wrong. God tells us it's wrong.
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in a passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
God again makes it very clear in Ephesians 5:3:
"But among you there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity...because these are improper for God's holy people."
That's what God tells you about premarital sex. And about this guy -- he doesn't really love you. If he did, would he ask you to do something against God's law when he knows you want to obey God? No. Absolutely not.
He's not thinking about you. He's thinking about his glands and what he wants. And in 1 Corinthians 13:5, in the love chapter, we are told that love "is not self-seeking."
This guy isn't concerned about what's right and wrong. The truth of God's law doesn't matter to him. And again in 1 Corinthians 13:6, God says,
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."
What this guy wants is sex; real love isn't a part of this picture, and that means he cannot love you the way God wants you to be loved.
Something else; "if you didn't have sex with him now you might lose him." That tells me you are more concerned about this guy than finding and obeying God's will for your life. Quite honestly, you are letting this guy become your God. He is first in your life. That is dangerous territory.
God doesn't play games with us. He makes that very clear. Jesus said in Luke 6:46, "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say?" And in John 14:15, Jesus said it again, "If you love me, you will obey what I command."
So what you are doing is mocking God. You are saying that you know what God wants you to do, but you aren't willing to do it. You are putting your boyfriend above God. And you are fooling yourself if you think you can fool God.
"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows," we are told in Galatians 6:7. I can't tell you exactly what you will reap if you turn your back on God and go to bed with this guy or any other guy. That sexual sin could have any number of serious consequences: broken fellowship with God, guilt and shame, loss of dignity, AIDS or some other sexually transmitted disease, low self-esteem, unwanted pregnancy, stirred up desires which can't be fulfilled, and, yes, even fear.
Ask God to give you power and strength and desire to obey Him. Ask God to give you the strength you need to fight this temptation.
1 Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has seized (me) except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let (me) be tempted beyond what I can bear. But when (I am) tempted, he will also provide a way out so that (I) can stand up under it."
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